Before becoming a father, I wanted a daughter because I was terrified of raising a son. Although far from perfect, society has begun to accept and appreciate women who do not fit traditional gender roles, and there is a broad understanding that we should teach our daughters to be strong, assertive, bold, and take up space. Raising a daughter in a culture that was finally offering girls the support they need to thrive meant I would be joining an established momentum rather than swimming against the current. Unfortunately, I do not see the same cultural momentum for raising respectful and emotionally intelligent boys.
I was a quiet, contemplative and kind child, and I can remember experiencing pressure to fit the ‘traditional male mould’; be it the insistence from my father that I play a team sport or join the military, or my mother asking when I would get a “proper boy’s haircut”. This pressure from my family, peers and community led me to mask my true self and present a more “masculine” outward facing persona, leaving me with the feeling that my true self was to be hidden away. Given the slow pace of progress in addressing issues of disrespect and emotional suppression in boys, I was worried that my son would face the same isolating experience I did, or that despite my best efforts, he would fall into the default expectations of what it means to be a man.
I now have a four-year-old who is kind, empathetic, shares their feelings, is brave, speaks their mind and sees no limits in what they can do or be. I got what I wanted… a daughter. I told myself I would be good at raising a strong daughter; committed myself to doing so, and she is now well on her way to becoming an empowered and determined young woman. Four months ago, my son was born and I was forced to confront the same anxieties I faced four years earlier. Instead of letting the fear of what society might create of my son consume my visions for his future, I thought about the values I wanted to gift him.
I will teach my son respectful ways to express his emotions.
Men aren’t afraid to share their emotions. It’s quite easy to picture a man yelling at an umpire or celebrating a goal, and too often perpetrating intimate partner violence. What they are afraid of is sharing emotions that make them feel vulnerable, because men have been taught to value strength and dominance.
That is why I will teach my son to…
- understand, show and share a range of emotions – Little Big Chats (Feelings), Talking About Feelings
- know that anger is normal and that he can control it – I'm Calm
I will teach my son to show empathy for himself and others.
Teaching men that compassion, even self-directed is a weakness has led to concerning trends in men’s mental health statistics, and left important roles in health, education and caregiving — which rely on empathy and kindness — almost entirely up to women; robbing our communities of male educators and carers.
That is why I will teach my son to…
- be kind to himself using positive words and a supportive inner-voice - Little Chats Big Voices
- notice when someone is hurting and have the courage to care and help - Little BIG Chats (Empathy), You, Me and Empathy
I will show my son how to practice true respect.
Men aren’t inherently disrespectful. It’s easy to find examples of men showing respect to their boss, a sporting hero, tech-titan or someone they view as a ‘good bloke’. This often falls by the wayside when that respect requires honouring a boundary that inconveniences them, listening without trying to dominate, or treating someone as an equal. This is what turns our boys into obnoxious and/or dangerous men. Interrupted meetings, mansplaining and sexual assault are all the result of an entitlement that tells men and boys that their desires, convenience or status matter more than respect or another person’s consent.
That is why I will teach my son to…
- assert his boundaries but also respect the boundaries of others - Respect Me! Respect My Boundaries!, Let’s Talk About Body Boundaries, Consent and Respect
- see girls as equals and never inferior or subordinate - No Difference Between Us
- know that activities, traits, qualities or preferences are not exclusive to a specific gender - Who Am I? I Am Me!
My son is only four months old, and while he doesn’t know much of what society expects of him, he started taking it all in the moment he opened his eyes. I know what pressures I faced as a boy and still face as a man, but I now have the knowledge, resources and benefit of hindsight to help my son overcome these. I no longer fear raising a son. Knowing I can intentionally raise a strong daughter has given me the confidence that I can do the same for an emotionally intelligent, kind and respectful son.
